I remember that first day, the first time we had talked in almost a year. You complimented me on my clothes, my new haircut, and gabbed about how excited you were that we were going to be in the same class as Peer Group Leaders. We went through training laughing about old times, me gushing about your hair, how much it had changed from it's once pail auburn to the new black, white and pink, as if i carton of Neapolitan ice cream had been dumped on your head. I thought you were so cool, with those smeary black eyes and your sheet white skin, your tiny figure and your bright clothes. You introduced me to two people that day, two people I never would have become friends with if it weren't for you. One of them, a girl who, for some reason, even after having a terrible fight and talking shit for months, you decided to make amends with. It made no sense, it was so fake. We ran down the hallways, me on his back and you and her chasing after us. I lost my shoe along the way, you went and grabbed it for me. I fell off his back onto the hard floor when we reached the gym and just lay there giggling for 10 whole minutes. We walked down the bike path, me, so much taller and wider than you, feeling like a hippopotamus next to your gazelle like build, and you, linking your arm through mine and steering me over to the merry-go-round on the playground by the slough. We sat there for a long time, talking about how different things had been since the last time we were close, how much we'd grown up, though I hadn't changed that much, I was still a naive little child, thinking people changed and that you would be a better friend this time 'round. You had changed so drastically. You hated everything you used to be, almost everyone you had been friends with the June before were being talked about behind their backs, not knowing the venom you shot when they weren't looking your way. FLASH FORWARD- it was December, we had been going to the little cafe across from our school for a while now, and I was putting on some weight. I guess I didn't realize it..until we took a picture in front of a Christmas tree. You were tiny like a breakable china doll, while I felt like Godzilla, that if I stepped wrong I would crush the world. I felt like shit, you were a size 0, I was nearly a 14. The boy I liked wanted you, because you were more his type. He didn't realize what a poser you had become. This was when I started cutting again, digging into the skin of my arms, the cold bite of my razor exciting me, making my body tingle as if there was magic flowing through me. I went through boxes of Band Aids, putting them on my leg so I could say that I cut myself shaving again when my parents ask why all the Band Aids are gone, with the wrappers filling up the trashcan. You told me you loved me and that you would help me get better, but you only ever made me feel worse. You thought you were so important, when my problem stole the limelight in our newly formed group of close friends, you started making yourself sick, forcing too much food, so that you truly got a stomach ache, so your mother would believe that you were just coming down with the flu or made yourself sick by gorging on too many Bocaburger sandwiches. You had stolen me away from the people I had called friends before, the people who had been there through all my early high school shit. You convinced me to blow them off. Some of them, enough times that they later told me they weren't going to be my friends anymore. You tore me apart. I thought you were perfect, so I changed to be more like you. Listened to your music, started wearing band teeshirts and skinny jeans, smearing black make-up around my eyes, thinking it would make you like me more. I always thought you were SO talented, the way it took no effort for you to crank out a perfect drawing or write an A+ paper or poem. This made me hate myself even more, I got to the point where my counselor set an appointment up with the school nurse and she prescribed me antidepressants. You thought it was ridiculous that I was going on pills, and didn't think that they would help me, you were right. They did nothing and as spring came round, I didn't get better. That was when things fell apart. Someone posted shit on my Facebook, through socialmoth, an application that blocked you from knowing who posted what unless you were a huge computer nerd, saying that I was thinking about killing myself. You somehow, conveniently found it, then showed it to another person, before hacking my profile to find out that it was in fact posted from my account. You didn't think to ask me, which should have been a logical first move, but instead you went straight to the top, to the fucking teachers, the administration, my counselor, my guidance counselor.. I was home sick the day they called. So my mom was sitting there all serious-like, on the phone with my guidance counselor, who had never met me in my life, and was watching me on the couch as this woman told her to take me to the hospital, that I was in severe danger of taking my own life. My parents confronted me and things went to shit. I wasn't considering it at all, but they didn't believe me, the administration was keeping a psychotically close eye on me and you left me in the dust. You started treating me like shit. Started ignoring me in the classes we took together, so I stopped going, made me feel worthless..The walls i had built to protect myself, you'd knocked them down, then gutted me for all I was worth. One person saw the small amount of goodness inside that I couldn't see, he tried to help me, pull me out of the wreckage, but he was in a worse place than I was. He hated himself and had made everyone else in his life hate him, and it was too much for me. That, along with my friends judging and being terrible because he was a hefty guy, and them pushing a new boy into my life, lead me to dump him. This boy, he became my everything, he couldn't help me feel better long term, but when I was with him, when I had his arms around me, when he would kiss me or we would sit behind Edgewood with my hand teasing his virgin hard-on through his jeans, getting home later than I was supposed to "It was a warm night, I wasn't alone." I lied to my parents, a habit I had learned from you. But somehow, he was able to make me feel like ME again when we were together. Prom came and I was devastated thinking about how we had planned to go together, to get ready with our girls, and go in your mom's stupid Subaru. I got there and you started talking to me, complimenting my dress that my mom had made me, telling me how beautiful I looked, and confusing the hell out of me. I ran to the bathroom of the theater, crying my eyes out and called him hoping he would offer words of wisdom, of support. He just said, I'm playing video games, "just call me later to let me know you're home safe." and the line went dead. I went back out, trying to put on a brave face, but you kept rubbing in my face how cute you looked with your now all-black hair, and your even paler skin, even though it was sunny and you went outside, you never got darker. You looked like a demon who wanted to suck the life out of me, to ruin me even more than you already had. You pranced around in your tight, short black dress, your too tall heels that made you teeter like a little girl playing dress-up in her mother's closet. You laughed at me with your new little exclusive clique of emo kids that had replaced me, because I was grinding on my girlfriends because I had chosen to forgo having a date and making a sophomore who didn't even want to go with me, rent a tux and get me a corsage. A few weeks later I made a mistake, I let someone kiss me who shouldn't have, the second it was over I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened, but someone had seen it and wasn't going to let me off that easily. She must have had a thing for him or something because he came up to me and begged me to tell him it wasn't true. I stared at him and to the utter disbelief of my brain, my mouth told him what he wanted to hear. I muttered words of comfort, telling him she just wanted attention, didn't care about either of us and how her actions might affect our relationship. But then the boy came to him and told him the whole thing, except he made it sound like I had kissed him, needless to say, I was single by lunch the next day, he had his friend do it for him, because he couldn't face me, and couldn't handle my depression anymore. I was broken, torn to pieces. My old friends only opened their arms to me because they had seen the hurt, the wreckage, the pain you had been causing me. The end of the year came and I couldn't have been happier to get out of that hell hole. I had started talking with my parents about whether switching schools would be better for me, so I wouldn't have to see you every day, so I wouldn't have to deal with your drama and so I could actually graduate. We decided summer school would help with that. So I went, and got great marks, then switched to the other school nearest to my house. I was finally free of your judging, controlling, demeaning gaze. I could be myself.
Thats when YOU, you son of a bitch, you came into the picture. I was bored, in November, school was underway, I was having a blast with my new friends, getting used to somewhere I hadn't been since my summer classes in elementary school. You posted a stupid add on Craigslist, and I was mulling through the personals, drowning my boredom in ridiculous testimonials of people searching for love. Yours caught my eye, it was the most ridiculous one I had seen yet "I'm searching for my gypsy princess, looking for a partner in innocent crime,etc etc" For some reason I don't understand, I responded. We started talking, it was almost thanksgiving. I thought you were closer to my age, maybe your early 20's. I told you what my plans were for Thanksgiving and you asked if you could tag along. I told you no, because it was a family gathering. Not entirely the truth, but I hadn't even talked to you on the phone, why would I want to have you come to something like that? Soon after, I think it was early December, you convinced me to come meet you. So I went to where you told me to be and when you came around the corner I was left completely aghast. You were definitely not the young, tall, attractive man I had expected, instead you were a middle aged, long ratty haired, tooth missing, derelict looking crazy eyed guy. You pulled me into a hug before I had the chance to sidestep it and I hugged back reluctantly, not really wanting to touch you.I wanted to convince myself that I was just being judgmental, so I went to your van to sit and hang out. Even though it was freezing I wanted you to leave the doors open, I was nervous, and I really wasn't comfortable. You asked me if I'd ever smoked pot before, I shook my head no when you started pulling out your pipe and your stash, and you put them back down underneath the seat you had laid back into a bed. I sat in the front passenger seat, which had been turned around and faced the inside of the mid-80's evergreen colored travel van. You were parked behind the Salvation Army Chapel by the bridge, one of the seediest places in town, I should have known better, I should have seen the trap I was being tangled into. A friend of yours showed up a woman who was "drug addled and lived in a box on the other side of the alley".That was what you told me. Turns out she was more sane than you. She scared me at first, showing up out of nowhere and demanding that you smoke a bowl with her. She invaded my space and you started puffing smoke in my face.I couldn't handle it so I grabbed my backpack and told you I had to go, that I needed to be home before 5:30, so you kicked her out, quite rudely and walked me to the bus station. You got me to the point over the next few weeks, where we were talking every day, and if we weren't having phone conversations, we were at least IMing each other. You got mad at me when I would have to get off the computer or the phone. Telling me that school wasn't that important, you didn't even graduate. I would always make an excuse that my mom was saying I had to go, but that I'd talk to you the next day. You left a present for me a night or so after Christmas. You had been telling me, almost since we met, that you had my Christmas present and I needed to take it home with me. I told you I couldn't, that something big would cause drama and make my family nervous. So finally you drove your van up to my house ILLEGALLY, and banged on my door, leaving a large present wrapped in comics on our doorstep. You scared all of us, my parents, my sisters, my niece and me. It horrified me that you felt that was necessary, I tore up the letter you left, without even reading it, then had my mother put it all away in some hidden corner so I wouldn't see it. I went down to Roseburg the night before New Years, you were bothered about it, but wouldn't explain why. While down there, I hung out with a close friend and feelings were admitted and we started dating. I was scared to tell you this, because I knew you would freak out, so when you asked, I lied to you, said we were only friends. Then you started to threaten me, tell me that you would tell my father that I had been spending time with you, that I hadn't been hanging out with people my own age. When I finally admitted to being in that relationship, you did just that. You called my dad and bothered him, and called my house to bother me. Sent emails to my dad trying to make me sound like a whore, you were trying to ruin me, to make me feel like all I had in the world was you, so you could control me and have your thumb poised over me, pressing me downward, waiting to squish me flat. My dad told you never to call again. I told you I couldn't talk to you anymore, that I wanted to focus on my relationship, on being happy again. You respected my wishes, but after a few months, that relationship failed, because the distance was driving me crazy and you had started to sporadically contact me again. I didn't want him to be stuck in the situation too, so I let him go. I realized far too late, what a mistake that was. He had kept me somewhat sheltered from your control, but now, I was open, exposed and very vulnerable. I didn't want to talk when you started emailing me daily, you first laughed at me for having failed in a relationship, then begged me to talk to you, then started to threaten me again. You told me you would go to my house, sit down with my father and mother and have a talk with them, so I agreed to meet you. I was very uncertain and uncomfortable that day. You tried to get handsy and I pulled away from you asking you not to, but you pulled me back. I started crying and yanked out of your grasp, I didn't want people to see you touching me. You were shirtless, tattooed, weirdly shaped. I was cold, it was still February. I cut the meeting short saying I needed to go catch the bus. You told me you wanted to walk with me, I told you not to bother. You started yelling at me, so I started yelling back, then I stormed off. Mere moments later your van revved to life behind me and you started to slowly follow me, then you caught up with me and pulled over, jumping out. I asked you what you wanted now, if you were gonna yell at me more, make me feel even worse than I already do. You said you just wanted to give me a ride to the station so I wouldn't have to walk in the cold. I didn't know until you'd already gotten me into the passenger seat that I couldn't get myself out, you had to walk around and open the door. I spent the drive in near silence. Only responding to something you said if it was necessary. We got to the parking lot adjacent to the station and you parked, I had to go, my bus was already there, I wasn't gonna make it if I didn't run. You begrudgingly got out of the car and opened my door, but you made me hug you goodbye. You started crying and tried to apologize, I told you not to waste your bull shit on me and ran to catch my bus.When I got home there were multiple emails and a few calls from you. I didn't want to deal with the drama. You convinced me to come to your van after school so you could apologize, I thought you were being genuine. I sat down with you, leaning against the wall and waiting for the apology. I closed my eyes and waited, the moments stretching longer. Then I felt your hot, stale breath on my face, and all of a sudden your lips were on mine, all over, your tongue trying to dig into my mouth. I hated it. I asked you to stop and you got angry, you told me to just go, and I got mad because you had lured me there under a banner of fake apologies and fake remorse. You just wanted to rip my clothes off and fuck me like one of your drugged out slut friends that will let you do whatever you want to them, just so they can hit your bowl, once, maybe if they blow you they'll get two hits. I wasn't like that. I had only had sex once, and I didn't want you, in any way, let alone pinning me to a flattened car seat covered by a sweaty plastic sleeping bag and getting off on the way i feel around your cock. I wasn't interested. But you freaked out and were throwing threats left and right. You had me scared to death that you were gonna hurt me. So I gave in. I wouldn't let you get me naked though. I wasn't letting it go that far. I kept everything on but my jeans and my shoes and my underwear. I wouldn't even let you see my breasts. I closed my eyes and begged for it to be over. It hurt, you were too big, lightening bolts of pain had me writhing in agony. I made you stop and you pulled off the condom i had to force you to use and came on my stomach. I felt so disgusting, so degraded, so ruined. You thanked me and curled up next to me, pressing your naked body against mine after i'd furiously wiped your cum off my skin with your sleeping bag. I didn't want to feel you against me. I didn't want to be anywhere near you. I wanted to run, to cry, to scream, to hurt myself for letting you do that to me. I left minutes later after saying i needed to catch my bus and pulling my clothing back on. As i tied my shoes you made me kiss you and tried to push me back into the seat. I pushed past you and left, knowing, to my horror that I would be back here sooner than I wanted to be. You had me coming back there at least twice a week from then on. You gave me these rings and a necklace, and if I didn't wear them you would freak out and I would have to degrade myself even more to get you to take back your threats. I was too scared of you to stand up for myself, to scared of my family, while also being scared for them. You didn't care about me, you just cared that after being stuck in prison being someone's bitch for seven years you finally had a fresh, nearly virginal pussy you could use to get yourself off, so you wouldn't be stuck using porn every night. You tried to ruin my prom night, calling me at dinner on both my date's cell phone and the restaurant phone. You yelled at me saying I'd lied that there was no way I could get you a ticket, I hung up on you and raced out into the chilly evening sobbing. When I went back inside they asked if there was a Sophie at our table and handed me the phone. You were crying, you begged forgiveness and I didn't want to deal with the drama so I gave it to you and told you that you'd probably fucked up for the last time. You put me through this hell until May. I found a guy, who I had very strong feelings for, and I thought he felt the same way. He was a good bit older, 20 when I was 17, I understand that wasn't much in comparison, but to me it was just the right age gap. We started hanging out, it never got physical, well not extremely physical. You got mad because I was 'you're girl' and no one was allowed to have me but you. You said that I'd cheated, you got mad at me, you started threatening me again. I told you we weren't talking anymore, that I had told him I couldn't see him anymore. It was a lie. You and she before you, had taught me well, but obviously it wasn't good enough, cause you never believed me. Finally, worried for his safety, as you had told me you would 'deal with him' I told him we couldn't talk for a while. He accepted this, not happily, but understanding where I was coming from. With him out of the picture, you once again, had control. You made me buy you a ticket to graduation, even though I would have given anything for you not to be there, then you creeped around the lobby while I said hi to people even though I had talked to you before. I didn't want to see your face, I wanted to enjoy the night, have cake with my family, go to the all-night party, then sleep over at my friend's house. I got home the next afternoon and called you, you were angry that I didn't call you to let you know I got home safe. I didn't feel it was appropriate. You wanted me to meet you and hang out with you, but I couldn't because I was helping at the graduation my old friends were all attending. You rode your stupid bike downtown so you could see me. I didn't want to deal with you, my mom pulled me away at one point telling me that you looked like a creep. She was right, but I told her that you had just asked me a question. The next week I was working at a Day Camp 20 miles out of town, my niece was in town and I was supposed to be spending time with her, but when I came home, you made me meet you. You started making me have sex with you in the tall grass, even though I wasn't comfortable, you would start having a fit, so I would agree to shut you up. This continued until the end of the month. Even when I got sick at the end of the camp week, you MADE me leave the house to come see you. Threatening you would come to the house and get me if I didn't meet you on my own. This went on for a few weeks, then I was leaving for a reunion at the beach on July 1st. You made me meet you two days before because you wouldn't get to see me for a week, you needed to see me before I left. I left the house, under a pretense that I was meeting someone else, and would be back in a few hours. You met me at the station and drove me down to the river on your handle bars. I told you when we got down there, as you were pulling out your pipe and weed, that I couldn't stay too long, I had to go home and pack for my trip. You flipped out, started yelling that I was wasting your time, time that you could be spending selling pot and pills and being a lazy fuck in your van. I started crying and you bitched at me for being a baby. I decided, just to shut you up that I would hang out longer. You made me come with you on business deals, then took me to the Cricket store to get me a cell phone so you could keep tabs on me while I was at the beach. I lost $80 because you were retarded and obsessive. We went back to your van and you made me feel like your cheap whore You made me give you oral, shoving my mouth down on your cock. You fucked me twice, I didn't want it. I wanted to go home, to be in my room, packing my bags, thinking about the beach. But you wouldn't let me. I had time to catch the last bus, but you wanted to buy me pizza, and you wouldn't take no for an answer. So I went, and ate the pizza I didn't even want. Then you took me back to the van and I started freaking out, it was getting dark, I should have been home 5 hours earlier. You got the guy whose driveway you were parked in to give me a ride in exchange for weed. He was nice to me, always asking how I was. Apparently he told you multiple times that you were messing with bad shit if you got caught. You never listened. You should have. I got home that night and everything fell apart. My parents figured out I was hanging out with you, they took the phone I'd bought, they almost kept me from going on the beach trip. You tried to get in touch, they wouldn't let you talk to me. It was nice, I didn't want to hear you talk anyway. They unplugged the phones so we wouldn't hear you calling. The next day you stalked the neighborhood and when my dad came out to work in the garden, you introduced yourself as 'Jake' and asked if you could talk to me. He told you to get the fuck out of the neighborhood and leave us alone.You came back later and knocked, when I answered, one of our giant daisies was on the welcome mat, pathetic and wilted. I took it out into the driveway and made a point to step on it and crush it. I left the next day, and was scared the whole time that you would show up and try to break in or attack me while I was on the beach. The week went by much too fast and I came home to my mother with a bag of books and trinkets you had given me, the birth control you had pushed me to get, but i'd never used. They sat me down and started asking me questions. They asked me over and over if we had slept together, I said no. I couldn't tell them the truth. It would kill them. Finally, my dad got frustrated and left the room. My mom sat with me and asked again if we had had sex, and I was finally honest. I felt awful to admit that, but it was such a relief. My dad called the cops and they came to take our statements, we got a stalking order the next week and I only saw you for a brief moment at the hearing, and it was enough to fuel nightmares that are still plaguing me. In August the ADA had me come in for a Grand Jury testimony. I finished with that and called Max, who I hadn't seen very much since May, and we went out. You had been casing my house all night. You saw him kiss me before I got out of his car and that seemed to send you into a rage. You followed him down the hill and said hi, causing him to come back up to my house. Then you started calling. You called 40 times that night and left at least 12 messages. We turned off the phone again after the police came and took down a report. Then the next day we were put in a hotel, my dad stayed behind to guard the house. We saw you on the news, you were wanted by the police, and finally the next day they got ahold of you and got you to come in. They did another Grand Jury to add on the charges that harrassing us created, and said that you had a possibility, if you went to trial of getting 127 years. You drug it out as long as you could, causing trouble in jail, claiming insanity, doing whatever you could to make it take forever. November came, and I met a new boy. His name was Devin, he had just moved to town from Indiana and wanted to meet new people. We emailed back and forth for a while, much the way you and I started talking, but he was so much nicer, more genuine. We started talking on the phone and a week later met in person. I was blown away by this boy who, even though he knew what you had done to me and how you had (in my eyes) ruined me, still wanted me, wanted to be my shoulder to cry on, my pillar, the person to make me happy again when everything looks dismal and grey. He became that person. I went to Roseburg to visit a friend, and my ex from the winter before came by to see me. He started begging me to take him back, and when I said no, he got angry and left. He had said that he would be there for me and support me, but only if we were together. I didn't want to deal with it. That night, Devin and I became what we are now. He helped me, and was patient with my emotions leading up to the trial, and was there by my side the whole day, and when my dad told me that he took the plea deal, that we were wanted in the courtroom, he took my hand and walked with me, helping my friend Kaia to be support. We walked into the courtroom and the first thing I saw was the back of your greasy head. You had your hair in a slimy braid that looked like it had been wrapped in tape at the bottom. You were in shackles and sitting hunched over in your chair. You kept peeking back at Devin, your crazy eyes making him angrier and angrier by the minute. He looked like he was ready to kill you. If he wouldn't have gone to prison for it, I honestly wouldn't have minded. In 20 years, you'll get free, and you'll probably do this again. That thought disgusts me. That you would think behaving this way was alright..How could ANYONE think that. Needless to say, the last 3 weeks have not been worry free. I've had nightmares almost every night, most of which I cannot recall. But the ones I can are more than terrifying enough for the rest to not even matter.
Because of these two people I became something I would never want to be, someone who I'm going to wipe clean from my memory. It will take time, but I will do it. I'm working on starting over. Becoming a better person, learning from mistakes. Taking the lessons from these people who hurt me, and using them as stepping stones, as building bricks to the person I want to be. So here's to...rebirth, new beginnings, starting over, becoming a better stronger person, finding who I am and sticking by it.
Here's to the world being a better place.
till next time, kiss in the rain, try new things, fall in love, fall back in love, just be yourself and know that that's wonderful.
xoxo
sophie out.
this boy saved my life. i love you tiger.<3
